The Big C again...

She said that every time the first drop of the chemo drug entered her body, she felt like giving up. The pain is so real and she cant bear it, she wanted to stop, but she wanted to live...

That's what she told me, my cousin who's been so dear to me was diagnosed with stage 2 colon cancer. She kept it as a secret to me, from almost everyone else, but I discovered it and forced her to tell the truth about her condition. I was sad upon learning. Me and my cousin are sick...

I wanted to tell her that im going through the same situation now, but I have a different case, she will be free from the sickness as long as shes taking her medicines and doctors advises faithfully. I am not. No matter how many capsules I will be taking, theres still no cure, but only suppression.

That night I pray to God, but my prayers are not for me, but for this cousin of mine. I pray that God overlooked me and took care of my cousin instead. I had received already a wonderful gift, the blessing of going through despite of my condition. It is but proper to pray for her instead rather my own desires. I got the best fair share of Gods love already. Its time to give others a chance to feel the Love of my God.

To reveal or not?

Lately, I was left in the house with my nephew. He was the one whom I sent to college school for his degree. I can say that probably, hes is my longest companion since he was with me since the day he was born. He never left my side. I was his guardian even up to this day.

He is a nursing student. Unfortunately he missed his nursing board exam so he was practicing a profession which is not exactly what he should be doing. But at least hes now employed, with a decent pay.

I don't know if he already knew my situation. Since my diagnosis, its only my sister, my brother and his wife who knew that im living a "positive life". They advice me not to tell to anyone. I rather not too also. But since this nephew of mine is just like my own son, I really wanted to tell him. But I was still scared. Scared that he might

Be lonely for me?

Hate me for being sick?

Turn his back on me...

All of those worries. And I myself still don't know how to handle again my emotions, I might not. I know the reality will linger on me again and I wont be able to hide my tears, and I don't want him to see me on my troublesome days. I don't want to give him problem. But I want him to know the truth.

Maybe later on, if im ready, and if he is too. There will always be the right time for everything. And I will hope for that perfect timing.

Im back...oh yes

I was on haitus for the past few months. I cant say that Im back to my old self, its seems that I was so busy. Im living a normal life now, very seldom that I felt that something strange is on me. I felt like I have to continue living my life. I can still push through with my dreams like before.

I am anticipating my second year of ARV treatment. I never felt so sick for the past year. No colds, no fever. I hope this will continue until the time the Lord wants me too. But I couldn't help but to prepare myself from the end...I know I have too. Of course all of us will die eventually, but for me, I know, what might be my end.

So sad it is but its normal. I hope I can make myself spiritually prepared too. That's what I am missing. I want to be religious again. Im seem to forget if. I know in my heart how my faith s but I have to find ways and time to talk to my savior.

I like to be active on blogging again. I hope I can find time again. Fingers crossed

Undetected 2..a year after

I was so anxious, scared but excited as I open the mail. The mail was from my treatment hub. It was my first year of ARV treatment, and I had my VL count again...Remember that I had the undetected result on my sixth month. I have to know if the treatment is working for me. I have to get the undetected result again...

My hands are shaking as I opened the mail...and it says...undetectable...undetected again..wohhh. I almost cried in joy. I had two rounds already, which means my virus are now suppressed. Its sleeping to say the least.

I was so glad when I had my check up again. The doctor said I looked so fine, I said, I am. I feel so good, great actually. He was so happy, me too. It was a nice Christmas gift for me.

But then I'm hearing unsuccessful stories, most of them being late to diagnose and to seek treatment. The one who assisted me before was so sad since he was the one assisting them too.  I said to him that even though he had few losses, he is so successful on me. He said, I made him feel better.

How I wish others will also have the courage to submit themselves, to know their status and to get treated as soon as possible. In my case, I chose to knew it right away, as not to be scared everyday and to worry. The situation of knowing that you already had it was quite scary and hard, but if I haven't had the courage, I might be dead, and I'm so serious.

I almost remember the day I had my test, I said, its now or never, if I will be positive, then I have to accept it and knew how will I spend the rest of my days, if negative, then take care of myself better. It was scary, to know the truth but even scarier not to know it at all. Now I'm a living proof that we can still live a normal life, that we shouldn't be scared...and we should fight, cause we still have the right to live.