R15-CODED

R15. Dyan nag sisimula ang code ko. Ibig sabihin, 2015 ako nagpatala sa hospital na isa akong HIV positive. People living in HIV. Isang sakit na kailan man di na mawawala sa akin. Habambuhay ko na dadalahin, unless madiskobre na ang gamot sa papatay sa virus ko sa katawan. Pero di na ako umaasa na darating ang panahon na yun. Ok na ako. Sa katunayan, mabuti na nga dahil alam ko kung saan ako magtatapos, kung ano ang ikamamatay ko. Yan ang naisip ko noon. nakakatakot isipin pero yan ang hatol sa buhay ko. Ngayon tanggap ko na, normal na ang buhay ko, may virus nga lang. tatlong taon na ako sa ARV ko, yun ang kasiguradunan ko na pwede pa ako mabuhay ng matagal, ng normal.

Noong una na nalaman ko, akala ko talaga katapusan ko na. Mabuti na lamang mabait pa rin sa akin ang Diyos, ipinakilala nya ako sa mga taong pwedeng tumulong sa akin. Kaya heto ako ngayon, mataba pa rin. Walang nakakaalam ng sakit ko maliban sa tatlong tao, o baka may napag sabihan pa silang iba, pero ok lang.

Bakit ko ba isinusulat ito. Kasi nalulungkot ako now, wala ako magawa. Minsan dinadaanan ako ng depression, pero alam ko dala lang ito ng kalagayan ko. Minsan masaya, minsan malungkot. 

Pero gusto ko sabihin sa inyo na may pag asa pa ang isang tulad ko. Na hindi terminal ang HIV, na hindi agad ako mamatay. matagal, unless maaksidente ako. Kung ganun eh di ako sa AIDS namatay kundi sa aksidente. Hehehe.

Kung mahal nyo ang buhay nyo, ayusin nyo. Alamin nyo ang status nyo. Kung may nararamdaman na kayong kakaiba, lakasan nyo loob nyo, alamin nyo kung ano yan. Mabuti ng alam nyo kesa mas madami pang makakaalam kapag tinamaan na kayo ng sakit at hindi nyo na madala sarili nyo sa ospital. Ganun ang mangyayari kapag di kayo naglakas loob. Ang pagpunta ko sa clinic ang isa sa mga bagay na sobrang nakakatakot, nakakahiya at nakakawala ng ulirat, heheh, pero yun ang nagligtas sa akin. Kaya eto ako ngayon, malakas. 

Ngayon na ang panahon, di bukas, di sa isang araw. Yun ang makakapagligtas sa inyo.

aftermath...

I had it when I was at the prime of my career. I am thinking how I would soar really high on my dreams. It was a fulfillment of what Ive been through, what I did and overcame...

I thought that was the end, I thought that I was loosing myself, and loosing my mind...suddenly my future became so dark.

But I thought, why should i became affected? Life should go on, if this is my end so be it, but who am i to know that its gonna be my end. Maybe ill die in a different way, if that will be my destiny.

I will be honest that i cried a lot, prayed a lot and hoped a lot. Its not easy to fail, especially for someone like me whos not so used to it. I had a very good life, and this life lead me to where i am now...im sick.

After almost two years of treatment, I'm slowly getting back to my old self, my old routine. Back to normal, just like what i was before. I ask my doctor on what i should do, he just said that i should live my life like i used to do, be normal, enjoy life, eat what i want, travel to where i can go...because this sickness is not  a death sentence. It is the start of a new life.

But there were times that i was so scared, I'm too afraid for things that is not happening. I'm tired of my medicines, as if my body is so bored to take it already. But i have to, because this is my life, for my family, for the one i love.

I started to show how much i really love them. I want them to remember how jolly am i. I want to be remembered as a person full of happiness, despite of what i have.

I also managed to save a little for my future and for my medical needs in case. I have to. I don't want to be a burden for my family. Yes i want to be taken cared of but i still want to be self supporting.

I'm so vocal when i say that i want to be cremated when i die, which I'm sure they will because of my condition. Its frightening to think that my body will burn, i wont feel it anymore, but the thought is too scary. But that's my choice,

But for now, i have to endure the everyday struggles and acceptance. Its a lot different now. A lot better should i say.

I always think that God will still love me, despite of it all.

The Big C again...

She said that every time the first drop of the chemo drug entered her body, she felt like giving up. The pain is so real and she cant bear it, she wanted to stop, but she wanted to live...

That's what she told me, my cousin who's been so dear to me was diagnosed with stage 2 colon cancer. She kept it as a secret to me, from almost everyone else, but I discovered it and forced her to tell the truth about her condition. I was sad upon learning. Me and my cousin are sick...

I wanted to tell her that im going through the same situation now, but I have a different case, she will be free from the sickness as long as shes taking her medicines and doctors advises faithfully. I am not. No matter how many capsules I will be taking, theres still no cure, but only suppression.

That night I pray to God, but my prayers are not for me, but for this cousin of mine. I pray that God overlooked me and took care of my cousin instead. I had received already a wonderful gift, the blessing of going through despite of my condition. It is but proper to pray for her instead rather my own desires. I got the best fair share of Gods love already. Its time to give others a chance to feel the Love of my God.

To reveal or not?

Lately, I was left in the house with my nephew. He was the one whom I sent to college school for his degree. I can say that probably, hes is my longest companion since he was with me since the day he was born. He never left my side. I was his guardian even up to this day.

He is a nursing student. Unfortunately he missed his nursing board exam so he was practicing a profession which is not exactly what he should be doing. But at least hes now employed, with a decent pay.

I don't know if he already knew my situation. Since my diagnosis, its only my sister, my brother and his wife who knew that im living a "positive life". They advice me not to tell to anyone. I rather not too also. But since this nephew of mine is just like my own son, I really wanted to tell him. But I was still scared. Scared that he might

Be lonely for me?

Hate me for being sick?

Turn his back on me...

All of those worries. And I myself still don't know how to handle again my emotions, I might not. I know the reality will linger on me again and I wont be able to hide my tears, and I don't want him to see me on my troublesome days. I don't want to give him problem. But I want him to know the truth.

Maybe later on, if im ready, and if he is too. There will always be the right time for everything. And I will hope for that perfect timing.

Im back...oh yes

I was on haitus for the past few months. I cant say that Im back to my old self, its seems that I was so busy. Im living a normal life now, very seldom that I felt that something strange is on me. I felt like I have to continue living my life. I can still push through with my dreams like before.

I am anticipating my second year of ARV treatment. I never felt so sick for the past year. No colds, no fever. I hope this will continue until the time the Lord wants me too. But I couldn't help but to prepare myself from the end...I know I have too. Of course all of us will die eventually, but for me, I know, what might be my end.

So sad it is but its normal. I hope I can make myself spiritually prepared too. That's what I am missing. I want to be religious again. Im seem to forget if. I know in my heart how my faith s but I have to find ways and time to talk to my savior.

I like to be active on blogging again. I hope I can find time again. Fingers crossed

Undetected 2..a year after

I was so anxious, scared but excited as I open the mail. The mail was from my treatment hub. It was my first year of ARV treatment, and I had my VL count again...Remember that I had the undetected result on my sixth month. I have to know if the treatment is working for me. I have to get the undetected result again...

My hands are shaking as I opened the mail...and it says...undetectable...undetected again..wohhh. I almost cried in joy. I had two rounds already, which means my virus are now suppressed. Its sleeping to say the least.

I was so glad when I had my check up again. The doctor said I looked so fine, I said, I am. I feel so good, great actually. He was so happy, me too. It was a nice Christmas gift for me.

But then I'm hearing unsuccessful stories, most of them being late to diagnose and to seek treatment. The one who assisted me before was so sad since he was the one assisting them too.  I said to him that even though he had few losses, he is so successful on me. He said, I made him feel better.

How I wish others will also have the courage to submit themselves, to know their status and to get treated as soon as possible. In my case, I chose to knew it right away, as not to be scared everyday and to worry. The situation of knowing that you already had it was quite scary and hard, but if I haven't had the courage, I might be dead, and I'm so serious.

I almost remember the day I had my test, I said, its now or never, if I will be positive, then I have to accept it and knew how will I spend the rest of my days, if negative, then take care of myself better. It was scary, to know the truth but even scarier not to know it at all. Now I'm a living proof that we can still live a normal life, that we shouldn't be scared...and we should fight, cause we still have the right to live.

After Six Months...Undetected!

I was browsing my yahoo account since I was confused and curious on why they want me to create a security check on my account. So after several tries, I finally accessed it and wanting to clean it up due to numerous emails. Then I found an email from ARG.

ARG is the clinic where I am periodically being tested for monitoring purposes. I know that they had my results and honestly, I don't want to look at it. But just like before, I have to face it no matter what the results are. I first opened a recent mail, and found out that its just my XRAY result and it shows a normal chest results, quite good for a start. Then I opened the second one. It showed my VL count. I was undetected. I was stunned. I was thinking, and contemplating what it means. During the seminar, they said that if you are non detected for VL count, that means the medicines are working as expected and no need to shift for the other combination. I couldn't believe it, that after 6 months of medication, the virus was now asleep and inactive. Thanks God I am now as normal as I can be.

This is a very good news for me, it boost my confidence on the medicines that I am taking. Its a validation that im ok, that im getting there, not totally healed but far from being sick.

I am still awaiting for my annual test. I do hope and pray that its just as good as the first one.