The Unwanted Condition

Prior to my confirmation, Kuya Tom advised me to have baseline tests as they will be performing such in RITM, so I decided to do it on my chosen hospital instead. I planned to do it early on as not to waste my time in RITM. So I rushed myself in the hospital, secured the necessary endorsement from the doctor. I went to have my chest X-ray and my blood chem. I was noticed by my counselor who said that I looked ok compared on the first time we met. Then they advised me to return the next day for the X RAY result and my bloodchem. 

So I returned to the hospital a day after. The guy from the XRAY department handed me the result. My heart, and abdomen are normal except for some medical terms which I am not so familiar. So I gave my result to my doctor. She then asked me if I had my annual XRAY tests before. I said yes. Then she asked me if its on the same hospital which I also confirmed. She then searched for my result then showed me a portion of my slides. She said that I might need to subject myself for a CT Scan as shes seeing some abnormality on my lung. A suspected node...in which she cant confirmed if its cancerous or not. I was stunned and scared. My mother died of lung cancer, diagnosed and only lasted for three months. I immediately said that we need to do the CT Scan. And I have to wait for a day again for the result.

My ct scan validated the abnormality I have in my lungs. Whats good is, its not cancer cells. Its an inactive Tubercolosis. She asked me how I might acquired it. She said that I actually had it a year ago. Then I said I need to tell her something. And she wrote down a three letter word in a piece of paper. Then I nod my head. She said that I need to start my treatment as this is a must even if I still have an inactive one.

And I found myself adhering to here chosen medical prescription. Its just like ordinary else. The first two days are so critical. I had rashes all over me.

Then I have to replace my medicine. It was a regimen that I need to adhere and I need to go through. It was so hard. I felt like im too overdosed of the medicine. Never taken medicines like that before. But I have to do it. Im loosing my appetite. Im not doing good but I need to be patient. I have all the support.

The Confirmation

September 15, 2015. I attended the coastal clean up in the office. As I was about to go home, my phone rang. It was a familiar number. Its from the hospital clinic. So I asked her if my results are in, she said yes and I immediately went to the hospital to get what ive been waiting for.

She greeted me with  smile. Then she handled me the enveloped and I opened it. Yes, I was confirmed. Reactive.

Actually, a part of me was hoping for a miracle. But it never happened. I was left with just one way to go. To seek for treatment at my chosen hub. After I left the clinic I texted my brother and sister saying that I was confirmed already but im ok. I said I already expected it and was already prepared for the worst. They asked me my plan, I said ill go to RITM to start my treatment right away. My sister said that she will be with me, all the way. I immediately went to Carmel again to pray. The agony of waiting has ended...and I was left again with just hope, that God will bless me more.

After that, I prepared for my treatment. I fixed my work schedule. I don't know how its gonna be, the dilemma and the stigma is still there with me. I have so many questions. But what I am determined is, I need to do it. I texted Kuya Tom. I said im already confirmed, then he asked me on when is my plan to visit RITM in Alabang. He said he will assign someone to assist me there. It was a nice gesture of support again.

The road is becoming clearer, though my destination seems so gloomy and dark.

The Project Red Ribbon

I need an assurance so I kept myself busy. I still go to work, be with my co workers, talking and smiling. But they sensed a feeling of difference on my everyday life, on how I act and the way i do. Im more timid and usually quiet which is very unusual to me. I search for answers about life, about death, about being positive, about faith, about hope, about anything that can help me go through. Internet became my friend, and those preachers became my advisers.


One day I typed HIV blogs, then I found this blog, the Project Red Ribbon. I read every post and seems a little hopeful afterwards. Then I find numbers of counselors which I bravely dial. After a few rings, a voice answered. He is Kuya Tom as what they called him. He asked me if I thought ill die soon. I said, yes!. He said, "gago" then he laugh. I laugh too for the first time. He asked me if I had undergone series of test. I said none. He said I should start my baseline test such as XRAYs and bloodchem. Then he told me to wait for my RITM confirmation and had him advised him the soonest as I got my result. That day, i found new hope. Theres this someone who will take care of me, on my journey, on how i will live my life.


From then on, Ive been constantly communicating with my blood brother. He is my confidant, I am saying everything to him, my doubts, my fears. He said im still lucky because I never gone through what he had gone. Im more healthy, than he was. He said I chose the right path, to knew my status early on. Everyday seems a little easier because of him. Hes like a brother to me.


In him I found my strength.

The Anxiety Attack

Its almost a week passed. Like what I said on my last blog, it was not so good days. I felt like I lost my old self. Im lonely, empty and worried. Feeling lost, I search for blogs, sites and everything that can give me assurance. I wanted to be informed but still getting too lost in the process. It seems this informations are taking me somewhere, and its not helping me. Then something strange happen to me.

One afternoon, as i was cuddling my dog, i just felt like i suddenly drop that i need to hold to whatever i could hold. I wanted to shout for help. I felt like its an endless fall and i immediately went to my sisters room. I just want to be with her. It was so frightening. I don't know what it is. Then i ask my sister if i can seek psychological help. I know i cant bear this anymore. I need some advise on how i can handle my situation. I need help.

So i found myself waiting for my cue in a psychiatric center. The male psychiatrist, though im a bit hesitant to tell my story was so supportive and understanding. I need to open up everything to him. I need to let him knew my fears, what i think, what i feel. He then advised me to take anti depressant drug, a mild one just to let me sleep so well. Been so disturbed on the past days and still waking up in the middle of the night and not going back to sleep makes me so paranoid already.

It was also on that afternoon where i consulted an internal medicine for those brown spots on my anal region. I bare all to her. She confirmed that i had already acquired genital warts. A blow on my face. I also revealed my status to her so that she will know how and why. She gave me some prescription and another schedule of check up.


I went home feeling a little relieved. The doctors really made me feel a little better,

The Positive Aftermath

Wednesday August, 26, 2015. I went out. I need to scrape all of these thoughts on my head. I need to find a place where I can just be relaxed. I find myself praying the rosary, in front of my dear Mary Mediatrix of All Graces. No more crying this time, though I had made a good cry while driving a while a go. I lift them up to Mama Mary. I asked her to take care of me. To make me stronger. To make me live longer.

Then I went to Padre Pio Shrine in Sto Tomas. I prayed there too. Then I realized, I cannot make it on my own, I have to let my family know my status. I texted my brother. I said I needed to talk to him. He respond. He will meet me tomorrow, that's Thursday. I had a good cry again while driving home. I can see my beloved niece, I still cant afford to leave her. I love her so much.

Thursday. My brother came in my house. I invited him on my room. I close the door. I said to him that I submitted to a test. And I was positive. I was crying so much. My brother just stared at me. Knowing my pain, he asked me if I think I will die soon. I said I was so scared. He said living is a gift, everyday of our lives are a gift from God. My father died at the age of 48, my older brother died at 40. He is on his 40s too while im on my 39th, nearly the age when our loveones died. He said I should not be afraid of dying. He knew this disease, and I am not the only person he knew who have this, theres a lot of us already. I asked him to take care of me. He said he will. That I should enjoy more my life. Do what I wanted to do, travel more and live as if im a normal individual.

Friday. After breakfast, I asked my sister to join me in my room. I said everything. I again had a good cry, she was too. while embracing me she said that we will seek medical advise on what to do, that we will pray more and attend the mass more. She asked me about my plans, I said I will wait for the confirmation.

At least I was so relieved. MY brother and his wife and my sister are the only person I entrusted my condition. Nobody else.

As the days passed by...I lost my appetite. I started to loose weight, I had sleepless nights. I have anxiety attacks. I am worried all the time, I cant concentrate on my work. I became a lonely person. I cant smile often, I cant talk more. It seems I need everyone to just stop for a while to see that im not ok.

Until I found this site. THE PROJECT RED RIBBON!

How it all started

The signs...

1. We just ate at Vikings with my family. Suddenly when we are about to go to MOA, I felt the dizziness. It was ongoing that I have to just sit at anywhere just to prevent myself from falling.

2. I noticed that my lips are so dry.

3. My tongue were white now. I don't know if its just from my hygiene or not.

4. I have frequent cough that persists for week,

5. I noticed brown small spots on my anal region.

The decision...

I was heading to the hospital that day. I have to fetch my sister who was hospitalized that time. I was praying to God while driving. This is the moment of truth. I have to do it, no matter what the result is, I have to know my status. At least I was willing to know before its too late.

The appointment to the hospital laboratory was too embarrassing. I said I needed to be tested, there I was counseled. They asked me questions which I honestly answered some truthfully, while I make up stories for some. Maybe I just don't need it now. I just need my status, that's all. But I was determined, I was so brave to submit myself for it. The counselor advised that the result will be release after lunch. It was a long agony of waiting.

I went out to buy our lunch, then I got a call. I thought its from the clinic. So I headed there. The counselor invited me in. Again for the same series of question. I said I couldn't bear it already. I need to know my status.

She said im reactive. Im HIV positive.

My whole world shuttered. I could not speak. I was shock. I expected it but the feeling lingers. All my dreams was gone. I thought its my end. I smiled though my heart and my mind was trembling. What am I gonna do now?

The counselor comforted me, saying she can see how strong I am, that I can make it through, that I can be ok. She said they have to sent my specimen to RITM, where they need confirmation. The result will be out for 15-20 days. I have to wait, but for the mean time, she said I have to continue on living. Its not the end of the world for me.

But its not what im thinking.

I went back to my sisters room afterwards, wearing my usual smile. She cant see me worrying, hopeless. I have to be strong, though right now, I don't know how...