How it all started

The signs...

1. We just ate at Vikings with my family. Suddenly when we are about to go to MOA, I felt the dizziness. It was ongoing that I have to just sit at anywhere just to prevent myself from falling.

2. I noticed that my lips are so dry.

3. My tongue were white now. I don't know if its just from my hygiene or not.

4. I have frequent cough that persists for week,

5. I noticed brown small spots on my anal region.

The decision...

I was heading to the hospital that day. I have to fetch my sister who was hospitalized that time. I was praying to God while driving. This is the moment of truth. I have to do it, no matter what the result is, I have to know my status. At least I was willing to know before its too late.

The appointment to the hospital laboratory was too embarrassing. I said I needed to be tested, there I was counseled. They asked me questions which I honestly answered some truthfully, while I make up stories for some. Maybe I just don't need it now. I just need my status, that's all. But I was determined, I was so brave to submit myself for it. The counselor advised that the result will be release after lunch. It was a long agony of waiting.

I went out to buy our lunch, then I got a call. I thought its from the clinic. So I headed there. The counselor invited me in. Again for the same series of question. I said I couldn't bear it already. I need to know my status.

She said im reactive. Im HIV positive.

My whole world shuttered. I could not speak. I was shock. I expected it but the feeling lingers. All my dreams was gone. I thought its my end. I smiled though my heart and my mind was trembling. What am I gonna do now?

The counselor comforted me, saying she can see how strong I am, that I can make it through, that I can be ok. She said they have to sent my specimen to RITM, where they need confirmation. The result will be out for 15-20 days. I have to wait, but for the mean time, she said I have to continue on living. Its not the end of the world for me.

But its not what im thinking.

I went back to my sisters room afterwards, wearing my usual smile. She cant see me worrying, hopeless. I have to be strong, though right now, I don't know how...