After Nine Months

It was ended. After nine months of taking my anti TB meds, finally, im done with it. The first three months are so difficult, the next 6 months are so tiring. I just couldn't swallow the pill anymore. Sometimes, I am already choking with it. Those moments when I have to rush in any comfort room since I have to as a side effect of the meds, those moments that I have to pee cause it hurts not to answer the call of nature. But finally, im done. But im too scared.

Im so scared that I don't have anymore protection. That now my lungs is at its own already, without any support but my ARV. Right now I have to trust my meds, that it will protect me on the days to come. I want to be inspired by all those I knew, that up till now are surviving and living a happy and productive life. I want to pray for strength, for humility and for faith. Ive been through emotional pressure, and even spiritual too. Sometimes I forget to pray...and hoped that He will always be there for me. I have to pray more and trust more. But how can I, I am overshadowed by my weakness. And I know its not that good. I want to search for answers. I want to be better. I want to be good in His eyes.

God forgive me for I have continuously sin and forsaken you.

RITM Escapade

Maaga pa kami ng sister, mga 5:30 nung umalis sa bahay. Kailangan naming makarating ng RITM ng 7 am sabi ni kuya Tom. Sabi nya, maghihintay dun si Edz na mag aassist sakin sa unang araw ko dun. First time ko din pupunta sa bandang yun ng alabang kaya naman napag handaan ko na kung saan kami dadaan. Kahit papasok ang RITM mabilis naman naming sya nahanap. Pero by that time, napakarami na ng nakapark na sasakyan kaya halos dun na kami sa likod nakapwesto, sa may basketball court. Naupo muna kami ng sister ko sa bench at tinext ko si edz. Sabi nya naka TRR shirt daw sya. Nakita ko sya, unang impression ko agad, bata pa, pero alam kong katulad ko rin sya ng kaso. Sinamahan nya ako sa may parang registration kung saan bibigyan ako ng number at hihintayin na tawagin nila ako. Binigyan nila ako ng code. Dun ko naramdaman, umpisa na ito, saka yung orange card ng RITM. Pagkatapos nun, dun na kami sa room kung saan nagpapakonsulta yung lahat ng mga katulad ko. Pagpasok ko dun, napakadami na ng pila. Parang pang 30+ na ata ako nun. Pero new case naman ako. Kinunan ako ng vital signs, tapos kinunan ng dugo at sinabi na hintayin ang resulta after lunch. Bago yun, nainvite ako para sa isang seminar, kung saan may lectures para sa mga positive patients. May kumukuha ng litrato, ayoko sana makasama sa picture pero wala na ako magagawa. Andito na ako. Gusto ko mabuhay kaya haharapin ko ito. Pagkatapos nung seminar, kumain muna kami ng sister ko. That time, wala talaga ako panlasa pero pinipilit ko pa ring kumain. Pagkatapos ng lunch, ayun kay doctor Garcia na ako. Sinabi ko lahat ng nararamdaman ko. Sinabi nya na 198 na lang ang cd4 ko. Mababa na sa 300 yun, pero sabi nung mga iba, mataas pa yun compared sa kanila. Baka nga siguro dahil malakas pa naman katawan ko. Akala ko that time bibigyan na ako ng gamut pero kailangan ko pa pala magpa hepa b so kailangan ko pa bumalik. Binigyan ako ni doc ng antibiotic para sa lungs ko. Mga 2 pm pa kami naka tapos dun at dumiretso pa kami sa hometown ko kasi namatay yung tita ko. Ang saya at sarap sana ikwento sa iba ng pinagdadaanan ko pero tikom muna bibig ko. Ito daw kasi yung situation na hindi ko dapat ipaalam lalo na sa mga tao na hindi pa lubusang makakaunawa.

Nakatatlong beses pa ako bago ko nakuha ang aking ARV sa RITM. Sa totoo lang, sobrang excited na ako uminom nun. Para bang isa syang wonder drug for me. Ang hindi ko alam, kakaiba pala ang magiging epekto sa akin ng gamut na yon...

The Unwanted Condition

Prior to my confirmation, Kuya Tom advised me to have baseline tests as they will be performing such in RITM, so I decided to do it on my chosen hospital instead. I planned to do it early on as not to waste my time in RITM. So I rushed myself in the hospital, secured the necessary endorsement from the doctor. I went to have my chest X-ray and my blood chem. I was noticed by my counselor who said that I looked ok compared on the first time we met. Then they advised me to return the next day for the X RAY result and my bloodchem. 

So I returned to the hospital a day after. The guy from the XRAY department handed me the result. My heart, and abdomen are normal except for some medical terms which I am not so familiar. So I gave my result to my doctor. She then asked me if I had my annual XRAY tests before. I said yes. Then she asked me if its on the same hospital which I also confirmed. She then searched for my result then showed me a portion of my slides. She said that I might need to subject myself for a CT Scan as shes seeing some abnormality on my lung. A suspected node...in which she cant confirmed if its cancerous or not. I was stunned and scared. My mother died of lung cancer, diagnosed and only lasted for three months. I immediately said that we need to do the CT Scan. And I have to wait for a day again for the result.

My ct scan validated the abnormality I have in my lungs. Whats good is, its not cancer cells. Its an inactive Tubercolosis. She asked me how I might acquired it. She said that I actually had it a year ago. Then I said I need to tell her something. And she wrote down a three letter word in a piece of paper. Then I nod my head. She said that I need to start my treatment as this is a must even if I still have an inactive one.

And I found myself adhering to here chosen medical prescription. Its just like ordinary else. The first two days are so critical. I had rashes all over me.

Then I have to replace my medicine. It was a regimen that I need to adhere and I need to go through. It was so hard. I felt like im too overdosed of the medicine. Never taken medicines like that before. But I have to do it. Im loosing my appetite. Im not doing good but I need to be patient. I have all the support.

The Confirmation

September 15, 2015. I attended the coastal clean up in the office. As I was about to go home, my phone rang. It was a familiar number. Its from the hospital clinic. So I asked her if my results are in, she said yes and I immediately went to the hospital to get what ive been waiting for.

She greeted me with  smile. Then she handled me the enveloped and I opened it. Yes, I was confirmed. Reactive.

Actually, a part of me was hoping for a miracle. But it never happened. I was left with just one way to go. To seek for treatment at my chosen hub. After I left the clinic I texted my brother and sister saying that I was confirmed already but im ok. I said I already expected it and was already prepared for the worst. They asked me my plan, I said ill go to RITM to start my treatment right away. My sister said that she will be with me, all the way. I immediately went to Carmel again to pray. The agony of waiting has ended...and I was left again with just hope, that God will bless me more.

After that, I prepared for my treatment. I fixed my work schedule. I don't know how its gonna be, the dilemma and the stigma is still there with me. I have so many questions. But what I am determined is, I need to do it. I texted Kuya Tom. I said im already confirmed, then he asked me on when is my plan to visit RITM in Alabang. He said he will assign someone to assist me there. It was a nice gesture of support again.

The road is becoming clearer, though my destination seems so gloomy and dark.

The Project Red Ribbon

I need an assurance so I kept myself busy. I still go to work, be with my co workers, talking and smiling. But they sensed a feeling of difference on my everyday life, on how I act and the way i do. Im more timid and usually quiet which is very unusual to me. I search for answers about life, about death, about being positive, about faith, about hope, about anything that can help me go through. Internet became my friend, and those preachers became my advisers.


One day I typed HIV blogs, then I found this blog, the Project Red Ribbon. I read every post and seems a little hopeful afterwards. Then I find numbers of counselors which I bravely dial. After a few rings, a voice answered. He is Kuya Tom as what they called him. He asked me if I thought ill die soon. I said, yes!. He said, "gago" then he laugh. I laugh too for the first time. He asked me if I had undergone series of test. I said none. He said I should start my baseline test such as XRAYs and bloodchem. Then he told me to wait for my RITM confirmation and had him advised him the soonest as I got my result. That day, i found new hope. Theres this someone who will take care of me, on my journey, on how i will live my life.


From then on, Ive been constantly communicating with my blood brother. He is my confidant, I am saying everything to him, my doubts, my fears. He said im still lucky because I never gone through what he had gone. Im more healthy, than he was. He said I chose the right path, to knew my status early on. Everyday seems a little easier because of him. Hes like a brother to me.


In him I found my strength.

The Anxiety Attack

Its almost a week passed. Like what I said on my last blog, it was not so good days. I felt like I lost my old self. Im lonely, empty and worried. Feeling lost, I search for blogs, sites and everything that can give me assurance. I wanted to be informed but still getting too lost in the process. It seems this informations are taking me somewhere, and its not helping me. Then something strange happen to me.

One afternoon, as i was cuddling my dog, i just felt like i suddenly drop that i need to hold to whatever i could hold. I wanted to shout for help. I felt like its an endless fall and i immediately went to my sisters room. I just want to be with her. It was so frightening. I don't know what it is. Then i ask my sister if i can seek psychological help. I know i cant bear this anymore. I need some advise on how i can handle my situation. I need help.

So i found myself waiting for my cue in a psychiatric center. The male psychiatrist, though im a bit hesitant to tell my story was so supportive and understanding. I need to open up everything to him. I need to let him knew my fears, what i think, what i feel. He then advised me to take anti depressant drug, a mild one just to let me sleep so well. Been so disturbed on the past days and still waking up in the middle of the night and not going back to sleep makes me so paranoid already.

It was also on that afternoon where i consulted an internal medicine for those brown spots on my anal region. I bare all to her. She confirmed that i had already acquired genital warts. A blow on my face. I also revealed my status to her so that she will know how and why. She gave me some prescription and another schedule of check up.


I went home feeling a little relieved. The doctors really made me feel a little better,

The Positive Aftermath

Wednesday August, 26, 2015. I went out. I need to scrape all of these thoughts on my head. I need to find a place where I can just be relaxed. I find myself praying the rosary, in front of my dear Mary Mediatrix of All Graces. No more crying this time, though I had made a good cry while driving a while a go. I lift them up to Mama Mary. I asked her to take care of me. To make me stronger. To make me live longer.

Then I went to Padre Pio Shrine in Sto Tomas. I prayed there too. Then I realized, I cannot make it on my own, I have to let my family know my status. I texted my brother. I said I needed to talk to him. He respond. He will meet me tomorrow, that's Thursday. I had a good cry again while driving home. I can see my beloved niece, I still cant afford to leave her. I love her so much.

Thursday. My brother came in my house. I invited him on my room. I close the door. I said to him that I submitted to a test. And I was positive. I was crying so much. My brother just stared at me. Knowing my pain, he asked me if I think I will die soon. I said I was so scared. He said living is a gift, everyday of our lives are a gift from God. My father died at the age of 48, my older brother died at 40. He is on his 40s too while im on my 39th, nearly the age when our loveones died. He said I should not be afraid of dying. He knew this disease, and I am not the only person he knew who have this, theres a lot of us already. I asked him to take care of me. He said he will. That I should enjoy more my life. Do what I wanted to do, travel more and live as if im a normal individual.

Friday. After breakfast, I asked my sister to join me in my room. I said everything. I again had a good cry, she was too. while embracing me she said that we will seek medical advise on what to do, that we will pray more and attend the mass more. She asked me about my plans, I said I will wait for the confirmation.

At least I was so relieved. MY brother and his wife and my sister are the only person I entrusted my condition. Nobody else.

As the days passed by...I lost my appetite. I started to loose weight, I had sleepless nights. I have anxiety attacks. I am worried all the time, I cant concentrate on my work. I became a lonely person. I cant smile often, I cant talk more. It seems I need everyone to just stop for a while to see that im not ok.

Until I found this site. THE PROJECT RED RIBBON!