R15-CODED

R15. Dyan nag sisimula ang code ko. Ibig sabihin, 2015 ako nagpatala sa hospital na isa akong HIV positive. People living in HIV. Isang sakit na kailan man di na mawawala sa akin. Habambuhay ko na dadalahin, unless madiskobre na ang gamot sa papatay sa virus ko sa katawan. Pero di na ako umaasa na darating ang panahon na yun. Ok na ako. Sa katunayan, mabuti na nga dahil alam ko kung saan ako magtatapos, kung ano ang ikamamatay ko. Yan ang naisip ko noon. nakakatakot isipin pero yan ang hatol sa buhay ko. Ngayon tanggap ko na, normal na ang buhay ko, may virus nga lang. tatlong taon na ako sa ARV ko, yun ang kasiguradunan ko na pwede pa ako mabuhay ng matagal, ng normal.

Noong una na nalaman ko, akala ko talaga katapusan ko na. Mabuti na lamang mabait pa rin sa akin ang Diyos, ipinakilala nya ako sa mga taong pwedeng tumulong sa akin. Kaya heto ako ngayon, mataba pa rin. Walang nakakaalam ng sakit ko maliban sa tatlong tao, o baka may napag sabihan pa silang iba, pero ok lang.

Bakit ko ba isinusulat ito. Kasi nalulungkot ako now, wala ako magawa. Minsan dinadaanan ako ng depression, pero alam ko dala lang ito ng kalagayan ko. Minsan masaya, minsan malungkot. 

Pero gusto ko sabihin sa inyo na may pag asa pa ang isang tulad ko. Na hindi terminal ang HIV, na hindi agad ako mamatay. matagal, unless maaksidente ako. Kung ganun eh di ako sa AIDS namatay kundi sa aksidente. Hehehe.

Kung mahal nyo ang buhay nyo, ayusin nyo. Alamin nyo ang status nyo. Kung may nararamdaman na kayong kakaiba, lakasan nyo loob nyo, alamin nyo kung ano yan. Mabuti ng alam nyo kesa mas madami pang makakaalam kapag tinamaan na kayo ng sakit at hindi nyo na madala sarili nyo sa ospital. Ganun ang mangyayari kapag di kayo naglakas loob. Ang pagpunta ko sa clinic ang isa sa mga bagay na sobrang nakakatakot, nakakahiya at nakakawala ng ulirat, heheh, pero yun ang nagligtas sa akin. Kaya eto ako ngayon, malakas. 

Ngayon na ang panahon, di bukas, di sa isang araw. Yun ang makakapagligtas sa inyo.

aftermath...

I had it when I was at the prime of my career. I am thinking how I would soar really high on my dreams. It was a fulfillment of what Ive been through, what I did and overcame...

I thought that was the end, I thought that I was loosing myself, and loosing my mind...suddenly my future became so dark.

But I thought, why should i became affected? Life should go on, if this is my end so be it, but who am i to know that its gonna be my end. Maybe ill die in a different way, if that will be my destiny.

I will be honest that i cried a lot, prayed a lot and hoped a lot. Its not easy to fail, especially for someone like me whos not so used to it. I had a very good life, and this life lead me to where i am now...im sick.

After almost two years of treatment, I'm slowly getting back to my old self, my old routine. Back to normal, just like what i was before. I ask my doctor on what i should do, he just said that i should live my life like i used to do, be normal, enjoy life, eat what i want, travel to where i can go...because this sickness is not  a death sentence. It is the start of a new life.

But there were times that i was so scared, I'm too afraid for things that is not happening. I'm tired of my medicines, as if my body is so bored to take it already. But i have to, because this is my life, for my family, for the one i love.

I started to show how much i really love them. I want them to remember how jolly am i. I want to be remembered as a person full of happiness, despite of what i have.

I also managed to save a little for my future and for my medical needs in case. I have to. I don't want to be a burden for my family. Yes i want to be taken cared of but i still want to be self supporting.

I'm so vocal when i say that i want to be cremated when i die, which I'm sure they will because of my condition. Its frightening to think that my body will burn, i wont feel it anymore, but the thought is too scary. But that's my choice,

But for now, i have to endure the everyday struggles and acceptance. Its a lot different now. A lot better should i say.

I always think that God will still love me, despite of it all.

The Big C again...

She said that every time the first drop of the chemo drug entered her body, she felt like giving up. The pain is so real and she cant bear it, she wanted to stop, but she wanted to live...

That's what she told me, my cousin who's been so dear to me was diagnosed with stage 2 colon cancer. She kept it as a secret to me, from almost everyone else, but I discovered it and forced her to tell the truth about her condition. I was sad upon learning. Me and my cousin are sick...

I wanted to tell her that im going through the same situation now, but I have a different case, she will be free from the sickness as long as shes taking her medicines and doctors advises faithfully. I am not. No matter how many capsules I will be taking, theres still no cure, but only suppression.

That night I pray to God, but my prayers are not for me, but for this cousin of mine. I pray that God overlooked me and took care of my cousin instead. I had received already a wonderful gift, the blessing of going through despite of my condition. It is but proper to pray for her instead rather my own desires. I got the best fair share of Gods love already. Its time to give others a chance to feel the Love of my God.

To reveal or not?

Lately, I was left in the house with my nephew. He was the one whom I sent to college school for his degree. I can say that probably, hes is my longest companion since he was with me since the day he was born. He never left my side. I was his guardian even up to this day.

He is a nursing student. Unfortunately he missed his nursing board exam so he was practicing a profession which is not exactly what he should be doing. But at least hes now employed, with a decent pay.

I don't know if he already knew my situation. Since my diagnosis, its only my sister, my brother and his wife who knew that im living a "positive life". They advice me not to tell to anyone. I rather not too also. But since this nephew of mine is just like my own son, I really wanted to tell him. But I was still scared. Scared that he might

Be lonely for me?

Hate me for being sick?

Turn his back on me...

All of those worries. And I myself still don't know how to handle again my emotions, I might not. I know the reality will linger on me again and I wont be able to hide my tears, and I don't want him to see me on my troublesome days. I don't want to give him problem. But I want him to know the truth.

Maybe later on, if im ready, and if he is too. There will always be the right time for everything. And I will hope for that perfect timing.

Im back...oh yes

I was on haitus for the past few months. I cant say that Im back to my old self, its seems that I was so busy. Im living a normal life now, very seldom that I felt that something strange is on me. I felt like I have to continue living my life. I can still push through with my dreams like before.

I am anticipating my second year of ARV treatment. I never felt so sick for the past year. No colds, no fever. I hope this will continue until the time the Lord wants me too. But I couldn't help but to prepare myself from the end...I know I have too. Of course all of us will die eventually, but for me, I know, what might be my end.

So sad it is but its normal. I hope I can make myself spiritually prepared too. That's what I am missing. I want to be religious again. Im seem to forget if. I know in my heart how my faith s but I have to find ways and time to talk to my savior.

I like to be active on blogging again. I hope I can find time again. Fingers crossed

Undetected 2..a year after

I was so anxious, scared but excited as I open the mail. The mail was from my treatment hub. It was my first year of ARV treatment, and I had my VL count again...Remember that I had the undetected result on my sixth month. I have to know if the treatment is working for me. I have to get the undetected result again...

My hands are shaking as I opened the mail...and it says...undetectable...undetected again..wohhh. I almost cried in joy. I had two rounds already, which means my virus are now suppressed. Its sleeping to say the least.

I was so glad when I had my check up again. The doctor said I looked so fine, I said, I am. I feel so good, great actually. He was so happy, me too. It was a nice Christmas gift for me.

But then I'm hearing unsuccessful stories, most of them being late to diagnose and to seek treatment. The one who assisted me before was so sad since he was the one assisting them too.  I said to him that even though he had few losses, he is so successful on me. He said, I made him feel better.

How I wish others will also have the courage to submit themselves, to know their status and to get treated as soon as possible. In my case, I chose to knew it right away, as not to be scared everyday and to worry. The situation of knowing that you already had it was quite scary and hard, but if I haven't had the courage, I might be dead, and I'm so serious.

I almost remember the day I had my test, I said, its now or never, if I will be positive, then I have to accept it and knew how will I spend the rest of my days, if negative, then take care of myself better. It was scary, to know the truth but even scarier not to know it at all. Now I'm a living proof that we can still live a normal life, that we shouldn't be scared...and we should fight, cause we still have the right to live.

After Six Months...Undetected!

I was browsing my yahoo account since I was confused and curious on why they want me to create a security check on my account. So after several tries, I finally accessed it and wanting to clean it up due to numerous emails. Then I found an email from ARG.

ARG is the clinic where I am periodically being tested for monitoring purposes. I know that they had my results and honestly, I don't want to look at it. But just like before, I have to face it no matter what the results are. I first opened a recent mail, and found out that its just my XRAY result and it shows a normal chest results, quite good for a start. Then I opened the second one. It showed my VL count. I was undetected. I was stunned. I was thinking, and contemplating what it means. During the seminar, they said that if you are non detected for VL count, that means the medicines are working as expected and no need to shift for the other combination. I couldn't believe it, that after 6 months of medication, the virus was now asleep and inactive. Thanks God I am now as normal as I can be.

This is a very good news for me, it boost my confidence on the medicines that I am taking. Its a validation that im ok, that im getting there, not totally healed but far from being sick.

I am still awaiting for my annual test. I do hope and pray that its just as good as the first one.

Happy Anniv To Me

I was in RITM last Tuesday, October 11, 2016 for my first year anniversary. I don't know if it makes me happy to see just a few blood brothers in line for their respective medical treatment. But at least I saw the familiar volunteers which became part of my new life already.
Im glad also that is never saw someone whose really need his treatment badly. I also noticed that they switch offices and clinics. ARG office and lab is smaller than before. Refilling is also done on ARG pharmacy in the annex. It seem so convenient to me cause I am with a private doctor so I don't have to wait for my results and for consultation. They made me leave early as I said I will be back on my doctor once I had the complete result. Yeah it includes now viral load, complete cbc, xray and PDD test. I spent almost 2 hours there, so I managed to visit Padre Pio Shrine on my way back home.


I also had some chat with my adviser which happens to be in Iloilo. I said to him that im glad im still alive and fine. A thing which I never expected the day I had my first conversation with him. I felt so normal...the only different is that I have to maintain a drug that will extend my life...


Welcome to my second year.

A Year After...

Suddenly, I realized that I am now approaching my first anniversary. Its just like yesterday when I don't know how I will handle my current situation. But now, I'm getting back to normal though I know deep within me, it will never be back to normal. There are times that I fear death, but now there is an assurance than it will not be so soon as I am feeling better and better each day.

Of course theres a lot of struggles and adjustment on my body. I noticed few problems on my skin, very frequent pimples, with pimple-like spots on my legs and on my chest. But I believe this is just a minor problem for me to be pre-occupied with. At least I know that I am recovering from my early signs...and I am awaiting for the result of my first ever viral load count.

I am again into decorating my home which became a therapy for me. Unfortunately, the thoughts that someday ill be leaving the house still struck me. But I'm slowly assuring myself that I will be in a better place by then.

Still, no one knows my condition except for the three persons who are the closest to me. I wanted to reveal my condition to others but I don't have the guts and I don't think they are ready for it also. sometimes I'm thinking that its easier to broadcast it, to release my fears, but I know its not that easy.

So, happy anniversary to me. May God give me more anniversaries on the next years to come.

After Nine Months

It was ended. After nine months of taking my anti TB meds, finally, im done with it. The first three months are so difficult, the next 6 months are so tiring. I just couldn't swallow the pill anymore. Sometimes, I am already choking with it. Those moments when I have to rush in any comfort room since I have to as a side effect of the meds, those moments that I have to pee cause it hurts not to answer the call of nature. But finally, im done. But im too scared.

Im so scared that I don't have anymore protection. That now my lungs is at its own already, without any support but my ARV. Right now I have to trust my meds, that it will protect me on the days to come. I want to be inspired by all those I knew, that up till now are surviving and living a happy and productive life. I want to pray for strength, for humility and for faith. Ive been through emotional pressure, and even spiritual too. Sometimes I forget to pray...and hoped that He will always be there for me. I have to pray more and trust more. But how can I, I am overshadowed by my weakness. And I know its not that good. I want to search for answers. I want to be better. I want to be good in His eyes.

God forgive me for I have continuously sin and forsaken you.

RITM Escapade

Maaga pa kami ng sister, mga 5:30 nung umalis sa bahay. Kailangan naming makarating ng RITM ng 7 am sabi ni kuya Tom. Sabi nya, maghihintay dun si Edz na mag aassist sakin sa unang araw ko dun. First time ko din pupunta sa bandang yun ng alabang kaya naman napag handaan ko na kung saan kami dadaan. Kahit papasok ang RITM mabilis naman naming sya nahanap. Pero by that time, napakarami na ng nakapark na sasakyan kaya halos dun na kami sa likod nakapwesto, sa may basketball court. Naupo muna kami ng sister ko sa bench at tinext ko si edz. Sabi nya naka TRR shirt daw sya. Nakita ko sya, unang impression ko agad, bata pa, pero alam kong katulad ko rin sya ng kaso. Sinamahan nya ako sa may parang registration kung saan bibigyan ako ng number at hihintayin na tawagin nila ako. Binigyan nila ako ng code. Dun ko naramdaman, umpisa na ito, saka yung orange card ng RITM. Pagkatapos nun, dun na kami sa room kung saan nagpapakonsulta yung lahat ng mga katulad ko. Pagpasok ko dun, napakadami na ng pila. Parang pang 30+ na ata ako nun. Pero new case naman ako. Kinunan ako ng vital signs, tapos kinunan ng dugo at sinabi na hintayin ang resulta after lunch. Bago yun, nainvite ako para sa isang seminar, kung saan may lectures para sa mga positive patients. May kumukuha ng litrato, ayoko sana makasama sa picture pero wala na ako magagawa. Andito na ako. Gusto ko mabuhay kaya haharapin ko ito. Pagkatapos nung seminar, kumain muna kami ng sister ko. That time, wala talaga ako panlasa pero pinipilit ko pa ring kumain. Pagkatapos ng lunch, ayun kay doctor Garcia na ako. Sinabi ko lahat ng nararamdaman ko. Sinabi nya na 198 na lang ang cd4 ko. Mababa na sa 300 yun, pero sabi nung mga iba, mataas pa yun compared sa kanila. Baka nga siguro dahil malakas pa naman katawan ko. Akala ko that time bibigyan na ako ng gamut pero kailangan ko pa pala magpa hepa b so kailangan ko pa bumalik. Binigyan ako ni doc ng antibiotic para sa lungs ko. Mga 2 pm pa kami naka tapos dun at dumiretso pa kami sa hometown ko kasi namatay yung tita ko. Ang saya at sarap sana ikwento sa iba ng pinagdadaanan ko pero tikom muna bibig ko. Ito daw kasi yung situation na hindi ko dapat ipaalam lalo na sa mga tao na hindi pa lubusang makakaunawa.

Nakatatlong beses pa ako bago ko nakuha ang aking ARV sa RITM. Sa totoo lang, sobrang excited na ako uminom nun. Para bang isa syang wonder drug for me. Ang hindi ko alam, kakaiba pala ang magiging epekto sa akin ng gamut na yon...

The Unwanted Condition

Prior to my confirmation, Kuya Tom advised me to have baseline tests as they will be performing such in RITM, so I decided to do it on my chosen hospital instead. I planned to do it early on as not to waste my time in RITM. So I rushed myself in the hospital, secured the necessary endorsement from the doctor. I went to have my chest X-ray and my blood chem. I was noticed by my counselor who said that I looked ok compared on the first time we met. Then they advised me to return the next day for the X RAY result and my bloodchem. 

So I returned to the hospital a day after. The guy from the XRAY department handed me the result. My heart, and abdomen are normal except for some medical terms which I am not so familiar. So I gave my result to my doctor. She then asked me if I had my annual XRAY tests before. I said yes. Then she asked me if its on the same hospital which I also confirmed. She then searched for my result then showed me a portion of my slides. She said that I might need to subject myself for a CT Scan as shes seeing some abnormality on my lung. A suspected node...in which she cant confirmed if its cancerous or not. I was stunned and scared. My mother died of lung cancer, diagnosed and only lasted for three months. I immediately said that we need to do the CT Scan. And I have to wait for a day again for the result.

My ct scan validated the abnormality I have in my lungs. Whats good is, its not cancer cells. Its an inactive Tubercolosis. She asked me how I might acquired it. She said that I actually had it a year ago. Then I said I need to tell her something. And she wrote down a three letter word in a piece of paper. Then I nod my head. She said that I need to start my treatment as this is a must even if I still have an inactive one.

And I found myself adhering to here chosen medical prescription. Its just like ordinary else. The first two days are so critical. I had rashes all over me.

Then I have to replace my medicine. It was a regimen that I need to adhere and I need to go through. It was so hard. I felt like im too overdosed of the medicine. Never taken medicines like that before. But I have to do it. Im loosing my appetite. Im not doing good but I need to be patient. I have all the support.

The Confirmation

September 15, 2015. I attended the coastal clean up in the office. As I was about to go home, my phone rang. It was a familiar number. Its from the hospital clinic. So I asked her if my results are in, she said yes and I immediately went to the hospital to get what ive been waiting for.

She greeted me with  smile. Then she handled me the enveloped and I opened it. Yes, I was confirmed. Reactive.

Actually, a part of me was hoping for a miracle. But it never happened. I was left with just one way to go. To seek for treatment at my chosen hub. After I left the clinic I texted my brother and sister saying that I was confirmed already but im ok. I said I already expected it and was already prepared for the worst. They asked me my plan, I said ill go to RITM to start my treatment right away. My sister said that she will be with me, all the way. I immediately went to Carmel again to pray. The agony of waiting has ended...and I was left again with just hope, that God will bless me more.

After that, I prepared for my treatment. I fixed my work schedule. I don't know how its gonna be, the dilemma and the stigma is still there with me. I have so many questions. But what I am determined is, I need to do it. I texted Kuya Tom. I said im already confirmed, then he asked me on when is my plan to visit RITM in Alabang. He said he will assign someone to assist me there. It was a nice gesture of support again.

The road is becoming clearer, though my destination seems so gloomy and dark.

The Project Red Ribbon

I need an assurance so I kept myself busy. I still go to work, be with my co workers, talking and smiling. But they sensed a feeling of difference on my everyday life, on how I act and the way i do. Im more timid and usually quiet which is very unusual to me. I search for answers about life, about death, about being positive, about faith, about hope, about anything that can help me go through. Internet became my friend, and those preachers became my advisers.


One day I typed HIV blogs, then I found this blog, the Project Red Ribbon. I read every post and seems a little hopeful afterwards. Then I find numbers of counselors which I bravely dial. After a few rings, a voice answered. He is Kuya Tom as what they called him. He asked me if I thought ill die soon. I said, yes!. He said, "gago" then he laugh. I laugh too for the first time. He asked me if I had undergone series of test. I said none. He said I should start my baseline test such as XRAYs and bloodchem. Then he told me to wait for my RITM confirmation and had him advised him the soonest as I got my result. That day, i found new hope. Theres this someone who will take care of me, on my journey, on how i will live my life.


From then on, Ive been constantly communicating with my blood brother. He is my confidant, I am saying everything to him, my doubts, my fears. He said im still lucky because I never gone through what he had gone. Im more healthy, than he was. He said I chose the right path, to knew my status early on. Everyday seems a little easier because of him. Hes like a brother to me.


In him I found my strength.

The Anxiety Attack

Its almost a week passed. Like what I said on my last blog, it was not so good days. I felt like I lost my old self. Im lonely, empty and worried. Feeling lost, I search for blogs, sites and everything that can give me assurance. I wanted to be informed but still getting too lost in the process. It seems this informations are taking me somewhere, and its not helping me. Then something strange happen to me.

One afternoon, as i was cuddling my dog, i just felt like i suddenly drop that i need to hold to whatever i could hold. I wanted to shout for help. I felt like its an endless fall and i immediately went to my sisters room. I just want to be with her. It was so frightening. I don't know what it is. Then i ask my sister if i can seek psychological help. I know i cant bear this anymore. I need some advise on how i can handle my situation. I need help.

So i found myself waiting for my cue in a psychiatric center. The male psychiatrist, though im a bit hesitant to tell my story was so supportive and understanding. I need to open up everything to him. I need to let him knew my fears, what i think, what i feel. He then advised me to take anti depressant drug, a mild one just to let me sleep so well. Been so disturbed on the past days and still waking up in the middle of the night and not going back to sleep makes me so paranoid already.

It was also on that afternoon where i consulted an internal medicine for those brown spots on my anal region. I bare all to her. She confirmed that i had already acquired genital warts. A blow on my face. I also revealed my status to her so that she will know how and why. She gave me some prescription and another schedule of check up.


I went home feeling a little relieved. The doctors really made me feel a little better,

The Positive Aftermath

Wednesday August, 26, 2015. I went out. I need to scrape all of these thoughts on my head. I need to find a place where I can just be relaxed. I find myself praying the rosary, in front of my dear Mary Mediatrix of All Graces. No more crying this time, though I had made a good cry while driving a while a go. I lift them up to Mama Mary. I asked her to take care of me. To make me stronger. To make me live longer.

Then I went to Padre Pio Shrine in Sto Tomas. I prayed there too. Then I realized, I cannot make it on my own, I have to let my family know my status. I texted my brother. I said I needed to talk to him. He respond. He will meet me tomorrow, that's Thursday. I had a good cry again while driving home. I can see my beloved niece, I still cant afford to leave her. I love her so much.

Thursday. My brother came in my house. I invited him on my room. I close the door. I said to him that I submitted to a test. And I was positive. I was crying so much. My brother just stared at me. Knowing my pain, he asked me if I think I will die soon. I said I was so scared. He said living is a gift, everyday of our lives are a gift from God. My father died at the age of 48, my older brother died at 40. He is on his 40s too while im on my 39th, nearly the age when our loveones died. He said I should not be afraid of dying. He knew this disease, and I am not the only person he knew who have this, theres a lot of us already. I asked him to take care of me. He said he will. That I should enjoy more my life. Do what I wanted to do, travel more and live as if im a normal individual.

Friday. After breakfast, I asked my sister to join me in my room. I said everything. I again had a good cry, she was too. while embracing me she said that we will seek medical advise on what to do, that we will pray more and attend the mass more. She asked me about my plans, I said I will wait for the confirmation.

At least I was so relieved. MY brother and his wife and my sister are the only person I entrusted my condition. Nobody else.

As the days passed by...I lost my appetite. I started to loose weight, I had sleepless nights. I have anxiety attacks. I am worried all the time, I cant concentrate on my work. I became a lonely person. I cant smile often, I cant talk more. It seems I need everyone to just stop for a while to see that im not ok.

Until I found this site. THE PROJECT RED RIBBON!

How it all started

The signs...

1. We just ate at Vikings with my family. Suddenly when we are about to go to MOA, I felt the dizziness. It was ongoing that I have to just sit at anywhere just to prevent myself from falling.

2. I noticed that my lips are so dry.

3. My tongue were white now. I don't know if its just from my hygiene or not.

4. I have frequent cough that persists for week,

5. I noticed brown small spots on my anal region.

The decision...

I was heading to the hospital that day. I have to fetch my sister who was hospitalized that time. I was praying to God while driving. This is the moment of truth. I have to do it, no matter what the result is, I have to know my status. At least I was willing to know before its too late.

The appointment to the hospital laboratory was too embarrassing. I said I needed to be tested, there I was counseled. They asked me questions which I honestly answered some truthfully, while I make up stories for some. Maybe I just don't need it now. I just need my status, that's all. But I was determined, I was so brave to submit myself for it. The counselor advised that the result will be release after lunch. It was a long agony of waiting.

I went out to buy our lunch, then I got a call. I thought its from the clinic. So I headed there. The counselor invited me in. Again for the same series of question. I said I couldn't bear it already. I need to know my status.

She said im reactive. Im HIV positive.

My whole world shuttered. I could not speak. I was shock. I expected it but the feeling lingers. All my dreams was gone. I thought its my end. I smiled though my heart and my mind was trembling. What am I gonna do now?

The counselor comforted me, saying she can see how strong I am, that I can make it through, that I can be ok. She said they have to sent my specimen to RITM, where they need confirmation. The result will be out for 15-20 days. I have to wait, but for the mean time, she said I have to continue on living. Its not the end of the world for me.

But its not what im thinking.

I went back to my sisters room afterwards, wearing my usual smile. She cant see me worrying, hopeless. I have to be strong, though right now, I don't know how...